Kinky Boots
Last night I attended an advance screening of a new British "dramedy" film called Kinky Boots. A friend, whose name I won't mention because s/he is doing some publicity work for the movie, invited some people to check it out.

Well, I must say, I can't remember the last time I've laughed so hard at all the wrong places in a movie. It was spectacularly awful! Imagine a heartwarming, life-affirming, very special, cross between The Full Monty, Calendar Girls and Pricilla, Queen of the Desert - and by Disney, no less! Oh my god, what a hilarious mess of a movie.

The quick synopsis: A failing men's shoe manufacturing company in northern England is saved when the son of the late owner and a drag queen team up to design a range of sexy drag shoes. It's based on a true story, but I seriously doubt that any of the ridiculous episodes in this tragic movie ever happened. From the stereotypical characters, to the predictable plot twists, to the painfully unclever punch lines, to the schmaltzy music, Kinky Boots is one extended groan fest.



Meet Lola, the sassy black drag queen with a heart of gold. She's the cabaret toast of London. Her act consists of stomping around onstage bellowing songs like "I Want to be Evil" in a hoarse man's voice.

Poor Lola. Even though she's so talented she suffers from low self-esteem because -- sniff -- her father never accepted her. In the first scene of the movie we see a defining moment from her childhood. As a little boy, she gets into a pair of heels and does a jig to Bowie's "The Prettiest Star." Then her father yells at her and calls her a stupid boy. Except the character is played by a girl! The director couldn't even be bothered to get a boy to do the scene! This sets the stage for all the rottenness to come.

Right after we meet present day Lola in London, we are treated to the obligatory gay bash scene, followed by the obligatory straight guy to the rescue scene. And then -- hee hee -- the straight guy knocked out and waking up in the drag queen's dressing room scene. How madcap!



Despite being the queen of London, and so wildly popular, Lola decides to come to Northampton -- no not that Northampton -- the shoe factory town! Lola shows up in drag to pick up a pair of boots that straight guy (forgot his name) promised to make her. Well she doesn't like the boots, but what the hey, why not just stay in the small town, move into a rooming house and go to work in the shoe factory?! I mean she's a gay and a drag queen, and isn't it every queer's purpose in life to help sort out straight people's problems? And to endure heckling and homophobia while doing it, of course! We gays just like to help.

Highlights of the movie include:

Lola sitting among sacks of leather scraps sadly singing, "My Heart Belongs to Daddy." Then explaining to the straight guy that the leather scraps are her friends.

Lola in her factory worker look -- which consists of jeans, big sweater, lip gloss, and nails -- putting on a pair of thigh length boots, popping a bottle of champagne, and dirty dancing with the lead straight girl (forgot her name) to "This is a Man's World" on the factory floor.

It's all just so wrong and so funny. Kinky Boots is definitely a must-see. Not in the theater, not for $10. But when it comes out on video, which should be any day soon.
- posted by Dany @ 9/27/2005 5 comments  

 
Fucking Stupid Faggots
Here I am, a week late on my deadline for a piece I'm writing for My Comrade - a parody sequel of Lynne Cheney's Sisters - and I find myself distracted by the Gay Pride weekend coming up. Certain things about it just piss me off.

Take, for example, the growing trend of corporate sponsorship. I don't see any reason why Diet Pepsi had one of the biggest floats in the parade last year. Just what has the Pepsi Corporation done for gay people lately? I know that they gave huge soft money donations to the Republican Party. Yet, people were running after the Pepsi float, screaming for beads. Why didn't they just throw George W Bush pins to the crowd and let them know what Pepsi is really about?

Still, whatever foolishness New York's parade organizers get up to, nothing can compare with the Los Angeles organizers' decision to make Paris Hilton the grand marshal of their parade this year. Paris fucking Hilton, a woman who, if she were poor, would be a crack whore. A woman whose claims to fame are getting fucked publicly and appearing in a TV show where she mocks people who have to do shitty jobs to survive. A spoiled rich bitch who has absolutely no connection to the gay community except for her appeal among stupid fags who think she's camp. Genius choice, guys. I'd like to know if there were any dykes on the organizing committee and if there were, why didn't they stop the fags from doing this? What an insult to any gay person with half a brain.

See, here is a sad fact. A good number of gay men - I'm going to leave us dykes out of this for the time being - are pathetically self-loathing and misogynistic. The misogyny is a manifestation of the self-loathing. They love and identify with retarded and/or mentally ill and/or addicted and/or otherwise tragic women. What other explanation can there be for naming Paris Hilton as the parade's grand marshal? Would the Puerto Rican Day Parade committee appoint Paris Hilton as grand marshal? It's doubly insulting that the organizers chose, not just a straight person, but an idiotic bimbo to boot. But hey, I guess getting fucked, doing drugs and getting cosmetic surgery is the essence of gay life in Los Angeles. Pathetic.
- posted by Dany @ 6/24/2005 12 comments  

 
Find Your Vibe!
Unemployed again! Yay! I'm taking the summer off. Now, how should I get ready for the beach? Oh, I know, how about a soothing shave with that fabulous new vibrating razor? The Venus Vibrance has been all over TV lately and I predict it's going to be the most popular thing among 12 year olds since the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick. It's too hilarious! The design features a curvy, thick handle with detachable blade head. The end - which resembles nothing so much as an engorged clit complete with pink hood - vibrates. Now you're probably thinking, as I was when I first saw it on TV, who wants three jittering razor blades hacking up the delicate skin of their "bikini area"? Well, silly, it's not the blade end that vibrates, it's the clit end! The vibrating feature has absolutely nothing to do with shaving and everything to do with private time in the bathtub. You see, not only is it curved, thick and vibrating with a detachable blade, it's waterproof and the batteries can be changed, so it'll last for many long, hot shaving sessions.



The website is worth a visit. It features a lot of Flash animation of the little clit knob vibrating away and slogans like, "Keep that good feeling going!" Play FIND YOUR VIBE under the "fun stuff" link to create a beautiful animated customized piece of art, such as the one above. WOW! "It's the latest thing. You answer a few fun questions." While you answer the fun questions, a snarky girl voice makes comments like, "Have you seen my vibe? It's kinda pink." and "Whoa! speaking of spacing out where did I go? I was (pause) doodling, see?" This kind of advertising isn't for adults. It's aimed squarely at girls who are too young to go buy sex toys. So, as retarded as it is, I think it's a great thing. "With the push of a button, turn on Soothing Vibrations for a whole new shaving experience. You'll feel so pampered. And yes, it's safe to use in the shower or bath!"
- posted by Dany @ 6/16/2005 3 comments